Thursday, January 13, 2005 @ 3:51 pm
Of Confusion And Realisations
I care too much! I hate caring so much as I have learnt early in my life that if you care too much about some one they will leave you one day. Friends no matter how close they are can one day turn their back on you. The green-eyed monster is an idiot who constantly haunts me. In any relationship which I have managed to salvage until now something major always seems to happen. So why bother? But i can't not bother.
My friends are taking exams and I feel the stress. Friends seem down and I am concerned as hell. Insomnia is caused not by my own problems but infact it is due to wondering whether this next friendship will work out or not?Or what have I done wrong that day. I want to stop caring, I really do. How can I?I've been back stabbed so many times that I can't feel the pain physically no more but in my heart it just tears me apart.
I know that I always say that I don't care, but that's what I want only but it's not what I feel deep inside. I know that a part of me dies everytime some one hurts me but it's just never shown. I don't want people to misunderstand and I don't wnat people to think I'm weak but if someone takes away a friend of mine, I shatter like glass and I piece myself together slowly through nights of thinking.
I'm weird I know and I realise that I won't change. My life is a never-ending play where I put on a damn mask and continue with my journey, treading lightly so as not to stir any of my past emotions or my feelings at the moment. I lose my cool now and then but sometimes they just abruptly shoot out uncontrollably. I hate losing my cool. I hate caring so much. I hate losing my friends. I hate losing my sleep for others. But most of all I hate it when I let down my mask and someone just gets you back because you did that. My mask and my wall is my saviour or is it not?.....Your heart is the moost valuable part of you - Physically And Emotionally-...from a person whose heart has gotten smaller and smaller as people break it and steal pieces from it...
From the song Masquerade from Phantom Of The Opera
Masquerade
Paper faces on parade
Masquerade
Hide your face so the world will never find you
...
Masquerade
You can fool any friend who ever knew you
Masquerade
Leering satyrs, peering eyes...
Masquerade
Run and hide but a face will still pursue you
To my friends who watched this show with me...now you know why I adore this song so much...
-In a state of depression-
